Home Organization With ADHD - How To Reduce Clutter & Keep Your Home Clean
Do you invite people over to force yourself to clean the mess in your apartment?
Rely on anxiety, shame, and fear of not being good enough and failing in your duties as a partner and parent to get you to clean?
Stare at the clutter in your home, feel ashamed, start avoiding it because you feel bad, see the mess grow bigger and bigger, and get even more demoralized and paralyzed?
When you get older, you can no longer rely on your parents to do the dirty work. Rather, you get a new set of responsibilities, such as cleaning and organizing your home, because your living space becomes larger and you have to take care of more people.
Most people go from kids living in a single room and occasionally doing chores to adults living with roommates in their early 20s to parents who have to take care of a whole house.
Unfortunately, the rise of tasks required to keep your home functional and organized coincides with the rise in responsibilities at work and in your social life (spending time with your partner, going above and beyond for your children, checking up on your parents).
This is why keeping your house clutter-free and organized can often feel like an overwhelming disaster. To help you escape the chaos, this article will offer suggestions for organizing, cleaning, and decluttering your home, as well as ways to design more intuitive and sustainable systems.
How The Shame Spiral Begins When Struggling To Keep Your House Clean
There are a lot of legitimate reasons to struggle with de-cluttering, organizing, and cleaning your home, such as:
1. The process has a huge executive function requirement
Imagine you have to tidy up a room. You have to figure out whether you should begin by throwing away items, re-arranging others, or cleaning certain spots, which is horrible for an ADHD brain that clearly struggles with prioritization based on importance.
Then you must have the mental energy to actually get started, keep going even if you feel very bored and exhausted, and overcome any sensory discomfort from the dirty materials, unpleasant smells, and the mess you inevitably have to create while moving stuff around.
The cherry on top, even if you survive the whole process, is that you need to figure out whether maintenance should be done daily or in intervals (how often exactly), and then remember to actually do it when the time comes.
TL DR: Keeping your place tidy appears simple, but it's an executive function nightmare.
2. Life gets in the way
Do you have the energy to vacuum vacuum the apartment after you come home from a 10-hour shift? It's much easier to sink into the couch and degrade with your eyes glued to your phone screen while still wearing your work attire.
Working to pay the bills, studying, preparing meals and buying groceries, going out with friends, resting when you are exhausted, and having fun by yourself with hobbies and passion projects is either more pressing and important or simply much more enjoyable to do than coughing your lungs out while dusting the floor and shelves.
3. Cleaning and tidying up brings out painful emotions
Many people develop an unhealthy relationship with organizing and cleaning from a very young age. In abusive and very strict households, such chores are a very common punishment. Many families also go above and beyond to keep their homes clean and tidy to show they are good people, which leads children to believe that they should follow the highest cleaning standards or there is something wrong with them.
The executive dysfunction we just discussed not only makes the whole process much harder but can also create horrible experiences. If keeping clean feels simple, and you look at other people's homes (they probably cleaned before you arrived), then you are left with the impression that there must be something fundamentally flawed or broken about you if you can't keep up with such trivial tasks.
This deep shame and self-loathing create a vicious cycle, leading to the development of negative internal dialogues and personal narratives that further demoralize, demotivate, and paralyze you from keeping up with your household chores. Over time, labels like lazy, incompetent, and irresponsible automatically flood your mind whenever you walk by a pile of clothes, so avoidance and ignorance of the problem become very common unless it is impossible to ignore.
Learning To Let Go From The Shame & Self Loathing
Have you ever felt like a total failure when you see the sink overflowing with dishes?
You probably know that it wasn't the dishes judging you. They don't think, feel, or care in any way what you are doing. The dishes are just dishes.
Yet, you instinctively reply to yourself with judgment and guilt-tripping. You decide to judge yourself, even if the judgment feels automatic. Like an automatic shooting system that keeps blasting, the bullets will keep firing if you do nothing, but you still have the choice to click the stop button.
"Not only do I feel horrible and full of shame, but this asshole is telling me that I have a choice in how I am feeling." - What you may be thinking right now.
I understand how you feel. I am not saying you are entirely responsible for your own suffering. I am only saying that someone else gave you their version of what you should think when you struggle to keep everything clean and tidy. Over time, their version becomes your version, which is how you begin to view the situation.
This process could have been intentional, like a strict or borderline narcissistic parent who tore you down with vile and cruel comments about your character every time you didn't help them enough with the chores. It may have been unintentional, like your older siblings complaining how you are how lazy and worthless you are because the kitchen was a mess after they came back wrecked from their 12-hour shift.
You can call it whatever you want: misguided advice, expression of outdated beliefs, outright manipulation, or even indoctrination. What matters is that this is someone else's opinion of how you should think and feel. Since it is someone else's opinion, you have the power to reject it and think differently.
It can seem impossible at first glance because the opinions of others may have fused with your internal dialogue and personal narratives. This only means that the process of reversal will be slow and full of challenges and setbacks, not that you can't liberate yourself from the expectations of others.
You don't let someone else decide what your career is, what your hobbies are, and who you choose as a partner for life, right?
You give each of those questions personal meaning by making the autonomous choice of picking what suits you. No one else can tell you how to think, feel, or what to do in your career or anything else you've chosen.
Organizing, cleaning, and maintaining your home is less glamorous than those shiny examples, but the point remains - you can decide how to feel about chores.
Failing in them occasionally can make life harder and more unpleasant, but it doesn't have to say anything about who you are. They can be morally neutral without anything deep and far-fetched about your character.
Focus On Functionality - The First Step In Finding A Different Form of Motivation
Distorting the cycle of shame and self-loathing and creating a more productive perspective will take some time because you've believed a very different narrative for as long as you've known yourself.
The first step in the healing process is to focus on functionality above all else. This is a way of viewing tasks solely based on how useful they are to you instead of connecting chores to your self-worth.
An emphasis on functionality is essential because it gives you a different source of motivation that is more meaningful and intrinsic (personal to you).
Changing your motivation is needed because you may be reluctant to change how you think about keeping your house in order, even if the never-ending shame and self-loathing resulting from your current thoughts make you feel pathetic and miserable. This is because you may fear that letting go of the shame, fear of judgment, and high expectations will evaporate the little motivation you have to do anything around your home.
After all, some motivation that makes you feel horrible is better than no motivation while you watch everything around you collapse.
The way you escape this co-dependence on shame (external motivation) is by coming up with reasons and actively reminding yourself of why it is beneficial and useful for you to do a certain task.
For example, doing the laundry keeps your clothes clean and maintains hygiene, makes you feel good and comfortable while wearing them, and if you stay on top of your laundry, you have more clothes to choose from. Cleaning your kitchen prevents bacteria, mold, and bugs from becoming a problem, creates a visually pleasing space that reduces anxiety, and allows you to instantly start cooking when you are short on time.
You can come up with your own reasons for any task you are struggling with. However, saying it once is not enough to override the negative thought patterns you may be used to. This is why you can see the best results if you constantly remind yourself of the reasons behind what you are doing on the spot while trying to start the task. So, say them out loud to yourself or write them when journaling (free form, gratitude, voice recordings) and when talking with others.
Warning: Be careful not to mistake motivation based on functionality (it's easier for me to function) with motivation based on meeting a moral standard (having a clean space makes me feel good enough and shows I am an excellent parent). It feels good to call yourself nice labels when life is going well, but keeping the habit of using labels tied to moral character can be very hurtful when you struggle. If you feel finally “feel enough” when your room is free from clutter, it’s much easier to call yourself nasty names when you struggle to clean.
Two Additional Strategies For Healthy & Sustainable Motivation
1. Assigning a different meaning to your situation (positive reframing) - Struggling to keep up with your laundry can turn to "It's hard to keep up, but I am grateful to have so many clothes." Getting stressed about your overflowing kitchen sink can turn into "I am proud of myself for cooking so much and taking care of myself." Positive affirmations can reduce the demoralization caused by an overwhelmingly negative mindset. However, make sure to a) use phrases that you 100% believe in (there is no way to gaslight yourself) and b) not suppress your negative thoughts (introducing more positive messages does not mean vilifying and ignoring your struggles).
2. Practice self-compassion - Some sprinkles of shame may make you get up and do the dishes, but once the shame spiral starts, it's hard to stop. So, you judge yourself so much that you end up beaten on the ground, unable to do anything. Self-compassion means being ready to respond to yourself when you are angry and frustrated in a similar way you would comfort a close friend. So, if you think, "I am lazy and worthless, and I can't even clean the dishes", you can say to yourself out loud, "It's pretty normal to struggle, especially when X, Y, and Z happened recently, not doing well right now doesn't mean there is anything fundamentally wrong with me".
One very common complaint about such exercises is that you may feel like you are bullshiting and gaslighting yourself, which can make you feel uncomfortable. That's perfectly normal because you are saying something that may be hard to believe initially. It's natural to feel resistance, frustration, and even repulsion to being kind to yourself when your default mode is so vastly different.
It can feel unnatural in the beginning, but all I ask of you is to try it for a few weeks. If you don't see any results, then feel free to drop it altogether.
Defeating Perfectionism - Slowly Learn To Lower Your Standards And Focus On Functionality
When we think of properly taking care of a home, we often think of polished surfaces, neatly organized shelves, and perfectly assembled items across all rooms. If you follow this standard and see a cluttered countertop, you will probably think there is something wrong with it.
However, there is a difference between having a cluttered countertop to the point you can't find what you are looking for and a countertop that seems cluttered because you have a lot of stuff you are using right now. Just because something looks messy doesn't mean it's not done in a way that is useful to you.
You do chores because they make your life better.
Doing the laundry means you and your family have clean clothes to go out with. Constantly having a few baskets of dirty clothes is not perfect because it can limit your clothing choices and combinations, but it doesn't matter as long as you have clothes to put on. This is why there's a difference between functional (you can't have a healthy life without it) and optional (life would be a bit easier, it would look nicer, and you'd feel better).
It can be extremely challenging to focus on functionality because having ADHD often leads to perfectionism. You want to go above and beyond and do as much as possible. However, those self-imposed expectations will very often be incompatible with reality. Very often, you will barely be able to keep it together, so focusing on essential tasks that will help you to function and prioritizing them just enough to stay functional should be your biggest priority until you are in a place to do more.
So, if any task is worth doing, then it is also worth half-assing it instead of doing nothing.
No energy to cook a meal? Pull out a frozen meal, make yourself a smoothie with whatever you can find, or just devour shredded cheese, deli meats, nuts, and crackers. If you can't be bothered to fold the laundry, toss it in the closet instead of leaving it in the basket. Don't want to clean the dishes? Pull out paper plates so you can have something to eat with or clean just enough to have a meal.
You wouldn't bother to recycle if you regularly struggled to take out the trash before it started to smell like you were brewing a biochemical, right?
Everything else works on the same principle. This message is so important it is worth repeating - if any task is worth doing, then it is also worth half-assing it instead of doing nothing.
The Boring Way To Find A System That Works - Figure It Out Yourself
This advice sounds like beating a dead horse full of cliches, but give me two minutes to explain.
You have probably heard the advice to create a personal system a thousand times, so your brain is so bored with the idea that it is automatically ready to ignore this suggestion.
However, no piece of advice would be so massively popular unless it had some truth to it.
I know that doing massive research with 27 Google tabs open and three new books downloaded is very enjoyable. The rush of chasing curiosity and the immersion of hyper-focusing on a project is very appealing. You write it all down in a gigantic document, hype yourself up, and look forward to trying it out tomorrow.
However, chasing dopamine isn’t always the most productive route.
What works for one person may not work for you. Furthermore, trying to learn and implement everything at once can be too much for you to handle, learning to overwhelm and action paralysis. You want to try so much, which is exciting, but the very volume of changes you wish to make stops you from taking the first tiny step.
Here are two simple benefits of taking the boring route of figuring it out yourself:
1. You understand yourself and your context better than anyone else - Outsourcing cleaning to someone else works if you are a best-selling author, not a busy parent who barely stays financially afloat with two kids. Stopping to de-clutter, rearrange, and clean throughout the day works for some people, but it can throw you off balance if you don't enjoy constantly switching between tasks. Any advice you hear should be considered as a suggestion at most, not a gospel you ought to follow.
2. Designing your own system saves you a lot of time and effort over the long term - ADHD brains prefer enjoyment now versus what's optimal long-term, I know. However, just because your brain is inclined to follow the path of least resistance doesn't mean you need to give in to temptation. Experimenting and changing your systems based on personal trial-and-error will get you results much more quickly and save you a significant amount of money (niche cleaning devices don't work for everyone; what a surprise).
Okay, you are convinced to try the ol' boring route of trying to find the answers within yourself, but how do you do this exactly?
Here is a very simple formula you can follow:
Pick a single area you will focus entirely on. It's easier to narrow it down if you think of specific tasks (cleaning the dishes, cooking, laundry, clothes organization) or an area (bathroom, bedroom, kitchen, living room, clothing closet).
Choose your biggest priority to improve in the process. If you choose an area, then you can break down the process into decluttering (removing items that you don't need or moving them to a more suitable room), organizing (putting everything where it'd be the easiest to see and reach), and cleaning.
Write down all the strategies you are currently using and the ones you have tried in the past? If something hasn't worked try to give reasons why? Similarly, if something has worked or keeps working, try to elaborate on why it sticks and helps to get the job done?
Brainstorm ways to make the process of de-cluttering, organizing, and keeping the place clean better, and come up with as many ideas as possible (nothing you come up with is off the table).
Following this formula is not mandatory, but it will help you have a better idea of what you are going to do, reduce the need to think on the spot, and make it easier to get started.
I've had countless revelations while walking in the park, showering, or eating because I was ruminating over the problem in the background. I didn't need a formula to reach any of those conclusions. However, sitting down to intentionally focus on a single issue in your home can significantly speed up the process.
Learn To Work With Your Brain, Not Against It
Staying organized shouldn't be a quest to become more neurotypical. Effective and productive shouldn't be synonyms for changing how your brain functions. You don't have to run away from yourself.
Your brain is wired in a specific way. Even if neuroplasticity exists (the ability of the nervous system to change how it activities and responds), trying to be neurotypical or implementing other people's solutions is an uphill battle.
Even if you can succeed, you are not likely to succeed. Even if you can ride a wave of motivation for two weeks, it doesn't mean a 27-step program you read in a best-seller will last.
Here are a few ways you can work with your brain instead of against it:
Habits Often Collapse - Don't Be Afraid To Be Flexible & Find Your Rhythm
Repeating the same task day after day is very hard if your brain is sensitive to boredom, so just cleaning up a bit every day doesn't work for many people with ADHD.
Finding your rhythm may be a better strategy, like taking care of all the dishes at once when you have the time and energy to spare or dedicating a few hours on Sunday to do laundry because you can get in the zone with music and do a week's worth of work at once. You don't have to be a cleaning fairy every day or "do some tidying up" in between tasks if it doesn't feel right.
Systems Have To Be Enjoyable and Intuitive (Even at the Expense of Efficiency)
If it comes naturally to you, and you enjoy doing it, you are less likely to face barriers in starting due to executive dysfunction.
Just because something can be done more quickly and effectively doesn't mean you need to do it that way if it doesn't click because you will end up not doing it.
For example, putting everything in your calendar may require only two buttons, but if it doesn't feel right, you can use colored sticky notes around the house or set reminders on the whiteboard (even if it makes more effort out of you).
Make It as Easy as Possible if You Can Not Make It Enjoyable
Cooking your own meals would be ideal, but you may not have the time and energy for it. If this happens only once every two weeks, you can't starve for the rest. So, snacking on nuts and seeds throughout the day, having recipes that would take 2 minutes (oatmeal cups, smoothies, heating up frozen meals), or just ordering takeaway is better than nothing.
Similarly, if you struggle with washing your teeth, disposable wisps, pre-pasted toothbrushes, electric toothbrushes, or just gargling on mouthwash is better than nothing and requires much less effort.
Break It Down by Separating Tasks Into Different Categories
A very simple way to clean a room is to start by:
Taking out trash after stacking it in a trash car.
Picking up any dishes you find and placing them in the sink or the nearby countertop.
Picking up all dirty clothes and throwing them in a laundry basket.
Look for items that don't belong to this room and place them in another basket.
Cleaning a space in the room completely (nightstand, bed, desk, shelf) by temporarily putting the items in a pile and then start putting all items that belong there.
By breaking it down, you see progress much more quickly (increased motivation) and begin with the most essential when you have the most energy. You can do the dishes and laundry and rearrange items from other rooms later if you get exhausted.
Make Everything Visible in Sight if You Don’t Want It To Disappear From Your Mind
Out of sight, out of mind is very real with ADHD.
A few helpful suggestions to bypass that include a) having clean containers and group items with clearly written out labels, b) putting shiny colors and stickers that stand out on your phone, headphones, wallet, keys, and anything else you want to avoid losing, c) using stickers, whiteboards, shower markers, and other tools to write notes as reminders that stand out, d) organizing around tall vertical storage spaces, like shelves, so that you can have more items that are clearly visible.
The Less You Own, the Less You Have To Manage, The Less Overwhelmed You Are Likely To Be
Minimalism can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and calm your brain
You don't have to go toward the extreme of turning your home into a minimalist Zen temple, but the fewer items you own a) the less overcrowded your home feels, b) the less you have to clean, organize, and account for, the less you have to search to find what you are looking for, d) the fewer impulses you have to keep buying and hoarding because every item is fighting for its life compared to others.
Minimalism is based on functionality as well because you ruthlessly purge items based on the following questions:
1. Is the item used regularly enough to justify keeping it around?
2. Does it serve a specific and unique purpose that can not be replaced by anything else?
3. If the item is not useful, does it have enough sentimental value and bring you enough joy to justify keeping it? (an item can have sentimental value but still contribute to a feeling of clutter that makes you feel horrible)
You won't know the answer immediately for many items, which is why having a waiting period is an excellent way to give yourself more time. You simply put items you are not sure about in boxes for six months and see how often you get them out of there. If you didn't at all, it's time to throw them out. If you did use them, you need to ask yourself how often you needed them.
This is the essence of minimalism, but there is a whole rabbit hole of more specific information you can read about in books (Essentialism, The Joy of Less, Goodbye Things, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, etc).
An example of a specific minimalist system would be the capsule wardrobe technique.
You invest in a few sets of plain clothes with simple colors made from durable and high-quality materials. You pick the clothes and colors in a way that allows you to combine everything with everything. Then, you make combinations for different occasions. You can take pictures of each outfit, give them a name or a number, and then select them based on that. As a result, dressing up demands way less executive function, and you can reduce your shopping tendencies.
Conclusion:
It takes much more than reading a best seller and copying their system to keep your home free of clutter, effectively organized, and perfectly clean.
You best understand what's going on in your home and in your life, so slowly building up your own system and solutions is the best long-term approach. Having a personalized system not only means it's more likely to be manageable and sustainable, but it's also more likely to offer solutions that work with your ADHD brain instead of fighting against it.
Finally, organizing your home is much more than being productive while taking items off a to-do list. Before you can start to focus entirely on functionality, there is a lot of introspection and emotional work that should be done to address negative self-talk, overcome perfectionist beliefs, and separate your success in cleaning and decluttering from your self-worth.
